Turning Fifty Shades of Gray

Kids today are growing up too fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every generation of parents says things like that. The thing is, I've been was over-peppered with uncomfortable questions. Questions that could've just as easily gone to the non-binary Internet. Yes, I know that entire thing runs on binary code. But, when your girls ask things like, "Hey, dad, tell me why boys and men like #DonaldTrump like to call our vaginas a pussy?" Could you imagine if she went all Fifty Shades of Grey about it?

The older my girls are becoming, and they are both 12, they're away from the brick and mortar of our family's philosophies. Quite literally, and figuratively. They share one smart phone between them, and zero social media accounts. Yet, they still get conflicting philosophies. The loudest of these still aren't coming from my wife or I, but from screens. If not from their screens, it's from their peers on the schoolyard. Many of whom are using the same screens.

A lot of people are taking anatomy lessons from non-credentialed teachers of every age, size, and office. Many haven't passed the first prerequisite of school. In this particular case, that would be me, and I have a rigororous validated pretest, a tiger Asian wife. A strong woman who was taught by an even stronger Chinese mother that there will always exist three obstacles in life: being of Chinese descent, being a woman, and working in a man's world. To be be successful, you must know that 100% is a man's 80%, so always give 150%.

Lady parts seems to be the central theme for many of this generation. Especially given the visual rewards of social media. This is why we talk about where babies come from. But first, an ongoing lesson about true love and intimacy.

My lesson begins something like this: Boys are twee for the sole purpose of getting off. Anytime a teenage boy is engaging a girl about intimacy, he is uncomfortable about sex. When teen boys are alone, and young adult men for that matter, there is one conclusion in mind. Removing his flesh rocket from its hanger. Remember, the XY chromosome exists for the sole purpose of differentiating that gene. And, that rocket will sometimes get to that launch pad more than once day.

I've talked to my daughters about the physiological miracle of conception and birth. But, I've also gone rogue. They've also had the truth. The reason no boys are allowed upstairs, ever. "Spooning is all warm and fuzzy until his dick is suddenly all sneaky and inside you." Yeah, I told them that. They screamed and put me on a time out. It may not seem like I answered their original question, but the answer is, it's an ongoing process.